April Whirlwind

April 2012 has proven to be a major Whirlwind for our family for MANY reasons. 
Here in Arlington we started the month off with a major Tornado.  The 4 of us at the time of the storm were all in different locations and all in the path of destruction.  We were all a little emotional and shook up but safe and sound and that was the most important.  I waited the storm out in the walk-in at our Fuzzy's Taco shop with a good friend and several strangers that won't soon forget me.  Kirstyn was in duck and cover position at her elementary that was only a block from some very major damage.  She told me the next day, "Mommy, I know we are just supposed to pray inside our heads at school, but yesterday when the building was shaking, I was crying and praying out loud!"  James was at his pre-school where they took all the kids into the designated shelter to play games... he had no idea that there was even a storm.  David was in Dallas at a training class and his cell phone calls to me were not coming through, he just knew several tornadoes had been reported in Arlington so when we finally got in touch I already had both kids and we all made it home safe with only minor damages compared to many of our friends.  (Hail damage on our vehicles, new roof has already been put on the house, new bedroom windows, and still working on picking out new garage door... details really overwhelm me now but we are using an awesome contractor and David is taking care of everything that reguires financial decisions.) 

Our friend, Chris took these amazing pictures for our Easter Card.  I love these words to an old hymn we used to always sing in church for Easter Sunday and this year they are so true for our family!

Because He lives I can face tomorrow
Because He lives all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
and life is worth the living just because He lives!

David and I went on TWO dates.  That might be a record for one month!  We went to a Ranger game with my college roommate Angela and several of her friends and then we got to go to the Bass Hall to see the Ricky Nelson Remembered concert.  I was feeling like I had won the Date Night Lottery.

We made lots and lots of fun memories!  We went to a friend's house for a Crawfish Boil and Kirstyn had so much fun playing with her food.  James wanted nothing to do with the little critters and made it very clear that he didn't want food with eyeballs on his plate!  I enjoyed visiting with several friends from back in our college days.  David ended up at work late but there was still plenty of food when he finally made it over!  YUM!

David had his best month so far since he started selling for Sewell Infinity of Fort Worth. He was very busy and we are all very proud of his hard work... God is so good!  When he needed to deliver a car to a customer in Austin, the kids and I packed a bag and met him down there and enjoyed a Sunday of site seeing and eating!  We had so much fun touring the capitol building and visitor center.  Both of the kids have been learning Texas history in school so they were so excited to be recognizing things all over the grounds and in the buildings.  On our way home we were able to stop by and have Blue Bell Tin Roof Sundae ice cream with my Uncle Johnny.

I took Kirstyn to an event called "Spin Out Autism" and we took along friends of ours.  Kirstyn and Gracie were interviewed by Chevy Hometown Kids and should be appearing on cable on Saturday morning very soon.  We were unable to hear anything the girls were saying so I'm nervous excited to hear what all they said about why they were there Hooping and supporting a cause that helps kids with Autism.  We were all wearing blue shirts in support too!

I was asked to start teaching a regular Body Pump class at a local gym on Monday mornings at 5:30 am and if you know me, you already know that I said yes!  Prayers appreciated because I'm nervous about how that will work during my monthly chemo weeks. 

David's company had a huge summer picnic at the Texas Rangers game.  We were all given t-shirts to wear and had a great time going to the game as a family!  Kirstyn decided that our shirts needed some help to look like 'girl' shirts.  We even sprayed her down with body glitter!  I think David said there were around 3,000 employees and family members that attended the game.  It was really fun to look all around the stadium and see huge sections of seats filled with blue Sewell shirts!  We were seated in sections with each of the dealerships so our family got the opportunity to get to know the families of the people David works with every day.  Kirstyn and James both made new friends that they can't wait to see again soon!

We finished the our crazy busy fun month of April at the Gregg Pearson Invitational golf tournament and dinner.  This foundation has been an amazing support for our family since my cancer diagnosis and we will forever be grateful.  David and my Dad played on a team with two of our good friends and they had a very good time!  The kids had a blast playing in the bounce houses and Kirstyn got her face painted.  I got to meet several people that have been praying for me and mailing me encouraging cards for almost a year now.  It was so nice to put faces with these names that are so special to us.  I was also featured as one of their "Fighters In Focus" and for that I was humbled and honored.

All that in the midst of our day to day activities and I completed Round 8 of chemo.  My next oncologist visit and MRI is scheduled for May 15th.  Round 9 of chemo is scheduled to start on May 20th.  This blog actually feels very "normal"...  we are working very hard to minimize the power that the cancer has in our lives and we really appreciate all of your prayers and encouragement!

Living Strong?

I have been reading Lance Armstrong's book "It's Not About the Bike".  The book is only 232 pages but it feels more like I'm working through this book rather than just reading.  I can relate so much to so many of the things that he says.  In one of his very first paragraphs he says In bike racing... "you don't fly up a hill.  You struggle slowly and painfully up a hill, and maybe, if you work very hard, you get to the top ahead of everybody else.  Cancer is like that, too.  Good, strong people get cancer, and they do all the right things to beat it, and they still die.  That is the essential truth that you learn.  People die.  And after you learn it, all other matters seem irrelevant.  They just seem small."

People keep telling me that they can't believe that I keep going to the gym and working out so hard.  See, I feel like I just HAVE to.  I WANT to.  I am now learning how to articulate that...

No one said anything like that to me when I was extremely obese...  then, it was "great job... keep up the hard work"... as if then it was the best for me to work out because it would help me to loose weight (it was and I needed the pushes to keep trying).  Never mind the difficulties involved when trying to exercise in a room full of 'fit' people believing that I would never look like them, be able to endure like that, be that coordinated.  I lacked the self confidence to even believe that I was capable of being better than I was in that moment.  Somehow, with lots of encouragement (and blogging), I found that self confidence.  I moved from the back of the group fitness room to the front.  I introduced myself to the instructors so that they would know my name and hopefully push me to my limits even on days when I was just in the building to use the childcare!  I got stronger, physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I dealt with fears.  I found the same girl at the gym that was smart and strong enough to excel in math and science in High School, College, and in the world of Government Defense Contracting.  I pushed myself.  I let others push me.  I found limits that I didn't know existed and pushed right past them.  I got certified to teach Body Pump and found a confidence and alter ego that was capable of pushing myself to the max while encouraging and challenging others to do the same!  I didn't stop there... I got AFAA certified so that I could teach other group fitness classes!  I was taking step classes all over Arlington and Fort Worth trying to find my favorites so that I could figure out what my specific style of step would look like and how I would challenge others! 

But that's about the time that I experienced a seizure followed by brain surgery and a cancer diagnosis.  Something Lance Armstrong describes as racing down a hill on a bike feeling accomplished for climbing that mountain, only to be smashed into a ditch by a 4x4 pickup truck!  A moment when you are grateful to be alive but just plain pissed off by such a sudden and major derailment in your training. 

But then what do you do?  You get on the bike, go home, nurse the wounds, and restart your training with new limits to push through or allow to heal.  He says even when he got so sick it was a struggle just to go on a short 30 min ride, he did anyway, because he could...  because when he was riding he felt alive and it was a perfect reminder to keep fighting and pushing.  That made so much sense to me!  Going to the gym for a class was on my schedule and a part of my life just like brushing my teeth, getting dressed, and cooking dinner.  Not always something I wanted to do, but always something that I needed to do. 

I can remember the day last summer that my doctor said it was okay for me to return to 'routine' activities and I asked her about going to the gym.  She said, sure, you can go and ride a bike or walk on the treadmill.  I made a face and said I wanted to do a Body Pump class!  (I'm pretty sure David was holding his head on by rubbing his temples, he knew what was coming, he knows how stubborn I am.)  She said she had never heard of that...  so I pulled out my iPhone and showed her a video. She showed it to her nurse and physician assistant and they all three said, "YOU did this before?  Wow.  Ouch."  I proudly said, I taught that before and want to again!  They then realized I was strong and willing to fight this disease with all that I could muster if they would just let me LIVE in the meantime.  As soon as I was able to convince my doctor, David, and my mom that I would survive the experience...  I drug myself out of the bed and into some gym clothes and talked someone into driving me to a pump class!

Last week when we saw the oncologist, I asked her how many more monthly rounds of chemo I would need to do.  I don't know why, but as we are approaching the one year mark I guess I expected some kind of change in my treatment regiment.  I was wrong.  I was caught off guard.  She said, "well this is round 6 of probably 18-24 rounds of chemo."  Wow.  I have to keep taking this stuff for another year... at least.  I was (and still am) devastated.  Here I am getting stronger in so many ways but I still have so much fighting ahead of me.  I hate "chemo week" each month.  I hate waking up for 6 days straight feeling like I have a terrible hangover... like my head is pounding as if I didn't sleep, thirsty, and nauseous.  Yet worse because the only fun I had the night before was swallowing some nasty smelling pills, having to sit up straight for an hour so that it would go down and hopefully not burn my digestive tract, and then falling asleep by 9 sometimes in a puddle of tears only to wake up knowing I have more mornings just like that one to look forward to tomorrow.  On off weeks, I have to get lots of blood work done.  Then every other month I have an MRI... sometimes a simple one that is only 30 minutes long, but other times a 2 hour MRI.  I have one of the long ones coming up on March 20.  I hate having to be so still in a tiny noisy tube for 2 long hours, but I do like that it gives my oncologist so much detailed information about this cancer that we are on a mission to kill... to remove from my body... all the while trying to keep my body strong enough to keep fighting.

At the gym, my new favorite game to play is "excuses".  I started this with my new friend Virginia.  She was about to give up.  She made some comment about her age or her knee (I honestly don't remember)... I just remember that I said, "oh, if you want to compare excuses... I'd love to play!"  She laughed and took me on.  I won!  I showed her my brain surgery scar and told her I was currently going through chemo.  She took a drink of her water and we pushed each other through the rest of that kickboxing class!  Not two weeks later in a pump class, Virginia was behind me again and another woman was beside her.  She was groaning and made a comment about being too old to finish this class, it's just too hard for a woman her age she told me... and commented that I was still young.  I told her that I love to compare excuses, did she want to play?  Virginia laughed and said, "say NO, she will win and you will be challenged..."  The other lady played anyway and lost in our game of excuse comparison.  She finished that Pump class and pushed herself right past some limits she was putting on herself.  Now they both get near me when they can... we push each other.  I don't want to be treated like I'm sick but I'm still careful!  I always make sure there is someone in the room that knows where my seizure meds are located in my bag along with where my phone is and how to contact David if needed.
I just really struggle with the extra challenges that this disease puts on the people around me.  It has added a tremendous financial burden to our budget and specifically to David. When I have "sick" days, it makes Kirstyn ask and worry that I might die during the night. When I spend an entire day at the doctor for MRIs and reports, it makes James ask if I'm going to have to go away and stay at the hospital.   In many ways, we have all had to grow up a little sooner than expected.  Our faith and love is growing stronger.  We are trying to be much more careful with our words.  I still have moments of short temper, quick words, and deep depression...  Writing helps me think it through and your responses challenge and encourage me.

I made up my mind a while ago that I was going to fight this as hard as I could while continuing to live the best I know how.  I get frustrated, I get depressed, I deal with paralyzing fear, I seek the face of Jesus, and I ask for prayer and encouragement.  I want my kids to continue to learn from me.  I want to keep challenging myself.  I want to keep learning.  See, with or without cancer, I'm still the same stubborn me! 

But I'm slowly and humbly realizing that I really am an example of LIVING STRONG.  So do me a favor, put aside what ever excuse you are currently using and try to do something that you know will be rewarding but difficult... just make sure the end result will be worth it and focus on that, because the journey there may be much more challenging than you expected!

“What it lies in our power to do, it lies in our power not to do.” - Aristotle

My Chance to Share!

Last Monday for the Arlington YMCA fundraising and Livestrong program kickoff luncheon, I was asked to share a little about my cancer story and how the Y has helped me.  I was honored to be asked to speak in front of many people that I have never even met.  Many of my friends have asked how it all went...  I actually felt very good about my talk and was more than overwhelmed when I received a standing ovation at the conclusion of my talk.  For those of you that were not there, I thought I could at least share the notes that I made for myself:

(I introduced myself as a group fitness instructor and told them if I got too nervous, I would calm down if I just made them all do pushups or squats...  we got started with a little laugh and I calmed down and was ready to share.)

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I’ve been overweight or obese my entire life until, after having a daughter, I made up my mind to get healthy.  I put on my facebook page that I was on a mission to be healthy through Bible Study, Clean Eating, and Exercise.

My original "life" verse:

“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”  Philippians 4:12-13

My Y Journey:

Jan 2011 – was recruited by Downtown Fort Worth YMCA to launch Body Pump first to the corporate offices and then to the members.  Took on only one class because I was teaching two per week at the time at Golds Gym and subbing Pump both at Golds and LOA.

Feb – Golds shut down very unexpectedly and I started working out more and more in both the Arlington and Fort Worth Y’s.  Mostly because I was looking for the best step classes to learn to be a step instructor myself. 

March – passed AFAA certification planning to teach step classes in addition to Pump and not long after that I stopped teaching pump in Fort Worth.  My kids just loved coming to this Y for kid fit and the playground.

June 1 – at probably the most physically fit time in my entire life.  I took a step class here and had my kids not been so tired I would have driven over to LOA for a late pump class.  Instead we went home and all did our normal routine.  When I woke up on the next Thursday morning I was in the Neuro ICU at Plaza medical center in downtown Fort Worth and my husband had been through hell.  I had had several seizures in my sleep, he had performed CPR while waiting on the ambulances and I had been first taken by ambulance to MCA and then transferred to Plaza. 

June 7 – the swelling in my brain had reduced enough that they were able to do brain surgery to try and remove as much of the mass they had discovered in my brain as possible.  It was determined that I had oligoastrocytoma (two kinds of brain cancer) and they were only able to remove about 30% of the cancer.

While in the hospital the Ditto PTA moms brought me a big bag of everything – from restaurant gift cards, movie gift cards, bowling, scholarships to camp Thurman, and one that was huge…. A note saying that my kids were given scholarships to any of the Arlington Y summer day camps that they wanted to attend…

After seeing my oncologist in Dallas we determined that I would begin an intense 6 weeks of both chemo and radiation to try to slow the aggressiveness of my cancer.  I began that on July 18^th.  See, no one tells you that when you are diagnosed with cancer, you also need to win the lottery.  Pharmacy bills start to look more like car payments and are then stacked on top of paying for weekly blood work, monthly MRIs and oncologist visits, and on and on…  At the end of July and August my kids attended 3 Y summer day camps at NO COST to us and loved every minute.  It was something I would never have asked or applied for but it was such a huge blessing because it allowed me to rest without those little worried eyes glued to my every move.  Since that 6 weeks of treatment I have continued to do one week of monster chemo per month and I come to the Y several times per week even when I don’t really feel up to it because it is normal for my kids and they love the kid fit program and playing with the other kids.  I love that they get tired too and I can trust knowing they are being taken care of.   

I want to make sure that I am making memories with my kids and keeping myself as healthy as I can... spiritual, physical, and emotional health all work together!

"To die is poignantly bitter, but the idea of having to die without having lived is unbearable." - Erich Fromm.  And at only 33 years old, this has never felt more true!

My new life verse:

"Because she loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue her; I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name. She will call on me, and I will answer her; I will be with her in trouble, I will deliver her and honor her. With long life I will satisfy her and show her my salvation." (Psalm 91:14-16 NIV)

We all need to keep in mind what Abraham Lincoln said, “In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count.  It’s the life in your years.” 

The YMCA and the Livestrong program fit this quote better than anything else I’ve ever read:  said by the character Thomas Hunter in Ted Dekker’s Circle Trilogy

“Most men and women will yield to the strong currents sucking them into the seas of ruin.  Only the strongest in mind and spirit will swim against that current.” 

Thank you Arlington YMCA for being a part of helping me have a strong mind, body, and spirit!

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Like I said, it was an honor to be asked to speak and I pray that the scriptures I shared touched someone and I know that so many people are watching and many are telling me that I inspire them.  That feels like a big responsibility, but guess what, we are ALL being watched by someone, especially our kids, so make your actions count for good and keep in mind that the people you are watching will make mistakes because none of us are perfect... encourage and push forward!  Thank you so much to those of you that take the time to encourage me, pray for me, and challenge me!

"Normal" to Natalie...

nor·mal

/ˈnɔrməl/ Show Spelled[nawr-muhl]

adjective

1.  conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

2.  serving to establish a standard.

When Natalie originally started this blog, she named it Normal to Natalie so that the world could see what is "normal" to her on a daily basis - how our lives really are in regards to our kids, work, faith, etc.  This new journey we are on with Natalie has really made me think about what is "normal".  As Christians, we are called to be a part of this world, but different from the world.  As Romans 12:2 in the NIV Bible says, "Do not conform to the pattern of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...".  We are to be transformed through God and by God, not be transformed by what the world tells us or wants from us.  Yet circumstances love to come about that make it hard to continue that constant transformation process.   And a lot of times the circumstances are far beyond our ability to overcome (in our case, cancer), and can make us question our faith, our love, our strength...ultimately our will to live.

So how ARE we doing?  As mentioned in previous posts, we get asked this question a lot.  And no fault of their own, I know they mean well, and hey...people just may not know what else to say.  And we don't mind talking to people about it.  But we just don't necessarily have an answer.  Our first response (well...at least MY first response) is usually "fine", or "good".  I just don't know what the person is wanting to truly know.  I mean, I honestly haven't slept good in 6 or 7 months.  I STILL wake up at night to check on my wife, sometimes even waking her up in the process because I am checking for pulse or breathe.  Most days, I feel like I am in a fog, which I can overcome this with copious amounts of caffeine and prayer, but how do I tell someone how I am?

As father and husband, I am to encourage and lift up my family in prayer on a daily basis, and trust me...I have.  Probably more than I have the previous 8 years I have been a father, and the previous 11 years I have been a husband.  But why now?  Why does it take a hard circumstance?  Why wasn't I acting this way, praying this way, before this new journey?  Why does it take hitting bottom for us to figure out a way out?  What are we afraid of?

I am reminded of what Colossians 3:2 says in the Message version of the Bible - "Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ - that's where the action is. See things from His perspective."

Here are a couple of other Bible verses I have been reading lately:

Proverbs 4:23 - "Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts"

Romans 12:1-2 - "...Take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life - and place it before God as an offering.  Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him.  Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking.  Instead fix your attention on God.  You'll be changed from the inside out.  Readily recognize what He wants from you, and quickly respond to it.  Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."

So normal to us is a little different now, and I really don't know how we are doing most days.

I mean normal compared to what? :-)

Well, I now know the definition of oligoastrocytoma, and as I mentioned before, I know that grey is the color of brain cancer. I still work at Sewell and am getting used to the long hours, even though it is hard most days.  And I am thankful for my family and my friends.

And normal for Natalie is now making sure the kids stay on a routine even though most day she doesn't feel like she wants to. She really is a hero in my book for all that she does when I am not around (which is a lot recently, it seems).

I am far from perfect, nor do I try to be. And unfortunately it did take this circumstance for me to try to be a better father and husband. But all I have is now, all WE have is now. I don't want to shuffle around, in a fog. So I will take this opportunity to look up.

Until the next blog post, please don't wait until you hit bottom to be a better person, a better husband, a better father.  Why not start today?  Look up...

-   David D.

Faith of a Child

I love how my kids get these crazy ideas and dreams in their heads and get so excited that they don't even notice all of the obstacles.  James has been watching and helping Kirstyn and I make some t-shirt scarfs for her to sell for the Imagine 320 project at church and he has been helping me around the house to earn money for his 320 Piggy Bank.  I've enjoyed all the extra help getting the clothes out of the dryer just by planting a dime or penny or two per load.   

Well, today on the way home, James saw a coke can on the side of the road.  He screamed at me to stop the car... he wanted to jump out and get it and ride the rest of the way home in the back of the 4Runner.  He starts telling me all about how when he was at Pappy's (my dad) house, he got to run down the dirt road picking up yucky cans, throwing them in the back of the truck, and then ride on the tailgate until they saw another one.  Then he tells me how when Pappy gets lots and lots of cans he sells them for money...  He needs to do that too for his Piggy Bank cause sissy is selling shirt scarfs! 

I told him he couldn't ride around in the back without his car seat and seat belt in the city of Arlington, but that I could do a post on Facebook asking our Arlington friends to save their cans for a week or so.  Then, we could collect them from their houses and I would take him to the scrap metal place and he could make his money for his bank.

I'm so thankful to Jesus for trusting David and I with these kids.  So glad that they continue to dream BIG!  Now, I'm Imagining ALL of the BIG things Kirstyn and James will do that have an ETERNAL impact! 

Eph 3:20

Little Girl, Big Heart!

First I have to say that God gave me Kirstyn to do everything from test me to challenge me.  She is just as girly as they come making her very opposite from me.  I actually decorated her room in Raggedy Ann and Andy so that it would be primary colors and not pinks *sigh*.  At least she still loves it!  She is also very artsy fartsy...  I blame my sister for those genetics.  I mean, I have a degree in Software Engineering and Math while David has an MBA in Finance.  Kirstyn wants to grow up and be a rock star or a famous dancer and maybe a painter (yes we have been praying for her future husband since before she was born!).

At church we have started something called Imagine 320.  Eph 3:20 says, "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to His power that is at work within us."  Essentially, it is a ministry initiative as our response to God's challenge to "throw off everything that hinders us"... and for our church that is debt that needs to be paid off!  I was selfishly sitting there thinking, God you will have to do this, especially in our lives.  We can barely pay our bills right now and when you add in my doctor co-pays and the $300 a month that I have to spend on prescriptions I just start to get frustrated with how tied down I feel by my cancer diagnosis!

Sunday, the guest pastor Dr. John Bisagno preached a challenging sermon about what growing churches are doing...  At the end, he had all of the Middle School and High School students stand up, then he did something unexpected.... He pulled out a huge stack of $5 bills and started handing one to each student!  He then paraphrased the parable from Matthew 25 and challenged the kids to turn that $5 into as much as possible and bring it back to the church (also with the promise of a prize from him for the teen with the biggest return). 
Kirstyn's ears perked up! 
She looked at me and said, "How much is yarn?"  I told her around $2. 
She said, "Will you give me $5 to turn into more?". 
I said, "Sure.  What's your plan?"
"I can buy yarn, crochet MeMe a scarf (she's had 2 lessons), and then sell it to her for $20...cause even if it isn't that great she will love it and buy it.  Then I will have $23 to bring back to church."
I said, "Great idea baby, and you sure know your MeMe."
*I could see the wheels spinning*
"And actually, I could buy more yarn and make another scarf and sell it to DeeDee!"

This smart girl that actually may grow up to do amazing things in the business world!  Either way, she is sure to make an ETERNAL impact for her Jesus!

I've been really praying about this and trying to think of some way to help her turn $5 into more without her spending 10+ hours making crochet scarfs...  I got on Pintrest on a Mission while she was at school yesterday!  I found a way for her to make scarfs out of old tshirts, fast and easy, and so far for free so she still has her first $5! 

Watch out friends.... soon she will be selling them!!!  (And we would love to take old tshirts off your hands if you have them!)  She is so excited and thinks it is just funny that we are cutting up Daddy's old undershirts!

I love how big her heart is.  I love how she is willing to take on any challenge without worrying at all about all the things that could go wrong in the process.  I love how she challenges me to not be so analytical and more creative!  I am so thankful that God uses my kid to humble me in the privacy of our home!

Back in November when Kirstyn turned 8, after a few discussions she decided that instead of just having a Birthday Party and getting presents from her friends like always, she wanted to change things up a bit.  (We did tell her she would have to get rid of many existing toys before she would have room for more...  I've already mentioned how much her grandparents love her!)  Her change....  She asked her friends to bring donations for the Weekend Backpack Ministry at our church!  Look at the haul of food that she got to donate!  This ministry feeds 86 elementary age children in SW Arlington! These kids have been identified by the counselors as only eating free breakfast/lunch at school but not on weekends. So they take home a backpack of food on Fridays that they return on Monday's. There are 6 children at the elementary Kirstyn attends (we have no idea who)... Food/money is ALWAYS needed to keep this ministry going! I'm so glad that she is 'getting' the bigger picture!!!

We serve a Big God and sometimes He uses my little girl to remind me just how amazing He can be when we allow Him to work through us!

Our Rangers!

So, I thought it would be fun to document a little bit of our family's history with the Texas Rangers. This picture was taken just a couple of weeks ago when we got to go to a playoff game as a family!

David and I were talking the other night about how when we were dating in college, we would often go out to dinner and then about the 6th inning of the Ranger game we would go to the ballpark, park for free, and go into the game for free (pictures exist but they aren't digital). Some seasons the Rangers were doing so bad we could take our pick at just about any seat in the park... well, unless they were playing the Red Sox or the Yankees and then many of the seats were filled by their fans.

I can honestly say I have no memories of the Texas Rangers before having David in my life. The only baseball I ever remember watching was as I passed by the tv in my PawPaw's house in Highlands, TX where Memaw was sitting and watching her Astros play. David I think has been a fan for life. He grew up in the metroplex and in High School even worked at the ballpark.

Kirstyn and James both went to the ballpark for their first times as infants! Kirstyn was born in November so she had to wait until she was about 6 months old to go to her first game. Since James was born at the end of May, he was only about 2 weeks old for his first trip.

Now when the kids were little we even went to the Ballpark a few times with both sets of grandparents. Actually, we were with David's parents for Kirstyn's first game and with my parents for one of James' first games. And yes, you are seeing the dates correct, James went to the ballpark at least twice before he was even a month old!

There is no shortage of pictures of our family and Ranger experiences but I do have some favorites! I also have some favorite stories. Once when Kirstyn was about 3, David made the mistake of taking Kirstyn to a Ranger vs. Red Sox game. He called me about the third inning to tell me they were leaving and I could hear Kirstyn crying in the background. She was crying because the Sox fans outnumbered the Ranger fans and when Michael Young got up to bat they booed him and she took it very personally! And James, well last year when David got James his Claw and Antlers tshirt, he insisted on wearing it backwards because the T for Rangers went in the front!

These pictures are from last year's playoffs! We all thought IT'S TIME... and it was. It was Time for the Rangers to win their first AL Pennant.

This year for Father's Day, James got David his very own Captain Pillow Pet. David had just spent two plus weeks sleeping at the hospital with me so I think it was a perfect present!

And now, tonight, we are rooting for Our Rangers to win the World Series!

My Texas!

My Rangers!

(on an unrelated note, maybe I should have titled this post, the many weights of Natalie while wearing Rangers shirts!) Oh and I swear, blogger will NOT cooperate and let me put spacing where I want it. It did this on my last post too so if you know how to fix it, PLEASE share!

How am I doing?

How are you?

A question I often dread hearing...

A question SO many people ask...

A question that people that really know me also know they might just get more of an answer than they have the time or energy for...

A question that my friends never expect to hear "fine" but have heard lately...

Truth is, I think I've simply forgotten what feeling good, really good, feels like. Yet, I'm also very sick and tired of being tired and sick. Some days when all I want is to surround myself with friends, I end up closing myself into my room. Some days my thoughts seem to be more along the lines that if I just distance myself now then when I die it will be easier on everyone. Other days I want to make the most of every moment I have but because I'm still not allowed to drive I find myself trapped at home when I could be eating lunch with Kirstyn at her school or meeting David near his work for a quick lunch date. And then when I find a ride I struggle to get dressed because after being on steroids since June I have gained 40 lbs and then when I do find clothes I stand and cry because I can't even begin to cover all of the bald spots that were left after 6 weeks of radiation.

(This week I did go shopping at Arl Resale with a friend and got 5 pairs of jeans for $16, 3 fit now and the other 2 will fit when I loose a little weight cause I'm still a LONG way from last winter's clothes. Also, my mother in law went to Ross and sent me sacks full of cute dresses to try on and I kept 5 of those! Kirstyn has been so excited the last couple of days to get home and find me wearing something other than yoga pants and a too tight tank top or tshirt. Her complements have been so honest and loving... )

The rest of the truth is, I'm terrified. I've only known two women in their 30's with cancer and both of those amazing women are now in heaven. They both handled their journey so much better than I feel like I am. They were better people than I will ever be. Their families have continued living life... I'm scared to be too honest with anyone for fear of hurting them in some way. It hurts David when I try to talk to him about life for him and the kids without me. Truth is, none of us know when we will leave this life, but it has been rather devastating for all of us to learn how I might go.

So, when you ask me "How are you?".... If I hesitate, it's because I don't really know. I do know, I'm trying! I'm trying to have more faith than fear. I'm trying to make the most of every moment even when I'd rather be napping or watching mindless tv. I'm trying to put on makeup, I'm trying to eat healthy, I'm trying to say 'I love you' more often, and I'm trying to ask for help when I need it even though I don't want to because I want to be strong and independent and not a burden! I'm trying to let you build my faith by letting you be the hands and feet of Jesus for my family right now.

P.S. Don't expect too many blog posts from me... this one made me cry too much!

Thanks for your prayers! Right now I am half way through my 4 week break from Chemo and Radiation. I have an MRI on Sept 27 and then appointments with Dr. Fink (my oncologist) and Dr. Barker (radiation dr) on Sept 29 to find out what's next from the medical point of view in this battle for my life. We are prayerfully asking HIM to heal me and selfishly asking HIM to heal me here and not there with HIM, not yet....

I'm going to leave you with one of my favorite quotes that I am desperately trying to apply:

"Most men and women will yield to the strong currents sucking them into the seas of ruin. Only the strongest in mind and spirit will swim against that current." ~Character Thomas Hunter in Ted Dekker's 'Circle Trilogy'

Our journey, part 2

As I lay hear tonight, I think back on the last couple of months. I can not believe it has been 2 months now since Natalie's scary night that started us on this new journey. I have been reminded of those who have fought this battle before us, and with us. Some not here anymore, some fighting for their lives, and some who have overcome. I haven't truly dealt with all that has gone on. I mean, between my job, helping as much as I can with kids and around the house, I haven't really had time to truly ponder. But as I piece together the last two months, I am reminded of God's love, God's provision, but above all God's sovereignty. He is all powerful, all knowing, and is everywhere. As humans, we have very finite brains. We can never fully grasp every bit of info about God. But I have faith that I know who He is, and that He exists.

I read some of the Book of Job tonight, and look at what happened to him, and his response to God is amazing. He gets mad, angry and upset at what God allows to happen. And, his life got real bad, and those closest to him didn't seem to care that much about him. But ultimately, he remained faithful. Wow! I have struggled with remaining faithful, I will be honest. I struggle with the question of "why!?".

Why would You allow this to happen?

And I may never truly know...but given my past, I should not even be here. My biological mother, whom I don't know, could have very easily aborted me. As many accidents as I had, some severe, I could have not walked away from one. Story after story I could share of a time I should/could have passed on. But I didn't. God spared me for some purpose.

Which is my conclusion with the cancer Natalie is fighting right now. Obviously, she could have not survived the seizures. It could be very malignant, with no time left. Numerous things...yet she is still here...by my side. God has a reason that she is still here. I am reminded of that verse in Hebrews that says "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.". Those who are fighting, have fought, are no longer here...they are our witnesses. And we need to run our race that is set before us with perseverance, diligence, and faithfulness - throwing aside my fears, doubts, anger, pride, lust - sin - and follow God. He has given us the guide markers (the Bible), and even a pacesetter (Jesus). Ultimately it is our decision whether we are going to follow the pacesetter, and the markers outlining the track, or do it on our own, going our own way.

As for me and my house...we will serve the Lord

I love my wife deeply, and pray for her daily. I feel like I fail her most days, as she gradually gets to feeling worse. I continue to try and love her the way God intended us to do, but not being here very much is hard. And I want her to know I love her with all my heart...Please continue to pray for me that I would daily have the strength to take care of my precious bride, and that she would continue pressing forward with Gods strength pushing her. That she would continue to rely on Him, and even with the drugs she is on, she would be able to keep her complete well-being.


~ David ~

I keep saying...

I keep saying that I need to blog about this journey I am on with cancer. But then, I hear myself say that C word and I change my mind...

What I DO need to be keeping track of is how my faith is building. My faith is growing because I am allowing the people around me to be the hands and feet of Jesus for me and my family. It seems like every few minutes either my mom or David are telling me something else someone has done for us, or someone is ringing the doorbell to come bring us food or come in to work in the house to help us with the home improvements that we needed to do! It's overwhelming to realize how much we are loved.

Now, every evening I sit here at the computer at the table. I have to sit up (straight as possible...) in the evenings for at least an hour after I take my chemo pills. I have to wait at least an hour and a half with NO eating or drinking anything before taking my chemo so some nights I get started late. Most nights, I eat a light dinner with the family, then get the kids off to bed, get myself ready for bed and then fall asleep.... then it takes David a while to wake me up enough to talk me into moving to the breakfast room table with my laptop so that I will sit up and take the pills and not fall back asleep. ugh. Anyway, that is our routine now. Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful that I can do the chemo at home.

Tomorrow will start week two of six of my at home oral Chemo and our driving to Fort Worth for my daily radiation. (Ugh, and yet still, the most frustrating thing to me is that I don't get to drive... at all... until at least Dec 2nd because of the seizure I had on June 2nd. On Monday's I will also see the radiation doctor to see how things are going and maybe learn when we get to reduce the dose of steroids I am taking again. I can't wait to be off of these steroids so I can feel less jittery and so my face and neck will look less like the Michelin man! We also will be doing blood work every Monday and getting the results of that on Wednesdays. Please pray that my White and Red blood cell counts stay up. I NEED to be around people and so I need those counts to stay good.

Thanks for all the support! I really am going to start trying to blog more. I really do want to document all of the blessings that we are experiencing on this journey!

Our New Journey

Life is full of surprises.

Jesus never said that following Him would be easy or that because we are His children life would be easy. In fact, He said that "in this world you WILL have trouble" (John 16:33). Not might have, or can have, but WILL have. And we all know that just living your life from day to day can bring about lots of interesting, scary, wonderful, heart-wrenching, time consuming things, some of which are a complete shock. God set everything into motion, and created everything - universe, earth, plants, water, sky, animals - by just speaking. Except for humans. He created us with His hands. That is comforting to me - the God of the universe, who could speak a word and create the entire heavens and earth, took the time to form ME and shape ME with His bare hands. In fact, we are made in HIS image. WOW!

And we are intricately made. All the different ways that different parts of our body are connected - all the veins, neurons, cells, and atoms that are working 24/7 to make sure our body is functioning, thinking, healing, breathing, blinking, hearing, smelling, touching, digesting, moving, and resting - is AMAZING to me. How you can massage one part of your body and it affect another part, because of nerves and muscles, is INCREDIBLE. God is an artist for sure. But even though He made us in His image, we still experience troubles, heartaches, pains, etc. And that is just a part of life, and we have learned to deal with most of those issues. Except when the one thing we never thought would happen, does happen. The one thing that you always said "oh, that will never happen to us", does actually happen to us. And at that moment, your world crashes down on you and you basically have to start over. You have to make decisions you never in a million years thought you would have to make. At that moment, you realize - this is for real!

June 2, 2011 at 1:15AM.

That was one of those moments for me...for us.

It was just a kick. But that was followed by another, and then another. I awoke to see my wife shaking uncontrollably, having a seizure, making the worst noises I had ever heard. I was calling her name once I realized she wasn't dreaming, and I turned on the light, only to find her eyes rolling in to the back of her head. I dialed 911. But she started slowing down, kicking a few more times than stopping all together, her face turning blue. She had stopped breathing, staring at me lifeless. I dropped the phone (evidently hanging it up in the process) and I started CPR. It was all I knew to do. But the miraculous thing is, I don't know CPR. I mean I know you breath and push on their chest, and you make sure the airways are opened up, but how you actually go about doing that...yeah, don't ask me. My wife is the one whose CPR certified. I guess her making me watch Grey's and ER actually CAN be good for your brain. But in that moment God gave me clarity and wisdom to know what to do.

As I was blowing in her mouth, 911 called back. She took a breath as I answered the phone. She started seizing again, slower this time, and then she sat up, looking me dead in the eye, but could not talk, respond, or anything. SCARY! I was shaking but the person at the other end of the phone assured me that help was on the way. I swear within 5 minutes, the police officer was standing at my door, and not far behind him were the EMTs and Firefighters. They were testing things and asking me questions, but all I could do was stare at my wife's lifeless face not responding to questions, not doing anything but staring off into space.

For the first time in a long time, I didn't know what to do. It was one of those moments...this isn't supposed to happen to us. The scariest things crossed my mind. What if I was losing my wife? What if she is in a vegetable state forever? What if...What if... That is when the indescribable peace of God came over me - something I could never explain to someone in a million years, yet if you have experienced it, you know exactly what I am talking about. I again had clarity as they began to load my wife in the ambulance. I started making phone calls. Since my kids did not wake up during this scary ordeal (THANK GOD!!), I had to get someone to watch them in case they did wake up. I called my mom (who lives 30 minutes away) to come over. I called my pastor friend from across the street to come over and watch the kids until my mom got there. I then called my in-laws on the way to the hospital to let them know what was going on. I called to the emergency/after hours number for our church, to leave a message for someone to pray. And then I started praying.

Evidently she had another seizure in the ambulance. And once she got to the ER, they separated me from her into a family room. It was unnerving to leave her not knowing if she was going to be okay, but I still had that peace, and so I sat and prayed. I didn't even know what to pray, but I did it anyway. Eventually (in what seemed like forever!) the doctor on-call came in and told me that her brain was completely swollen, and that it seemed there was a "mass" pushing against the brain. Again, one of those moments that isn't supposed to happen. They need to transfer her to another hospital, he tells me, one with a neurologist on call. They had called several and decided on Plaza Medical Center in Fort Worth. Never heard of it, but I didn't care. I wanted my wife better, and fast. So wherever they felt like she needed to go, I would let them take her there.

She was in Neuro ICU at "the Plaza" (that's what they called the hospital - kinda sounds like a resort or something to me) from Thursday the 2nd until Friday the 10th. They ran several tests, did several scans,and we met with several doctors. They determined she had a brain tumor in her right temporal lobe that was heading into the frontal lobe. They wouldn't know for sure whether it was cancerous until the pathology reports came back after surgery, but based on what they had already done, they told us it most likely was a slow-growing cancer.

The "C-word".

So surgery was scheduled for Tuesday the 7th. They would remove "the mass", as much as they could anyway, and send off some to pathology. The preliminary diagnosis: Grade 2 Astrocytoma. Brain Cancer. I started doing some research to learn more about it, see what options are available for treatment and where, and see if there was another doctor that I could take her to. And I continued to pray.

Did you know that the color for Brain Cancer Awareness is grey? Me neither, until now. Another one of those things I never thought I would have to know. The prognosis is good for her, but we are still in the middle of a waiting game. We are at a point where we are waiting on final results, one doctor wants to do nothing, and a lot of people are wanting us to do something. Including me. During my research, I found a doctor named Dr. Karen Fink, in Dallas. I have 4 people I know who have gone to her, and 4 others who recommend her. She is a neuro-oncologist in Dallas at the Baylor Sammons Cancer Center. I called her office, and Natalie has an appointment on the 22nd. I am going to take all the tests, scans, and films, and see what someone who specializes in brain cancer has to say. A second-opinion in every sense of the word.

I am overwhelmed by all the decisions I am having to make while my wife is in the hospital, but you know? I will take that over the what ifs that were running through my mind a week ago. And you know what else? I didn't finish that Bible verse from the beginning - "In this world you WILL have trouble...". The ending of it is sooooooo true. And it is what I am leaning on right now:

"...But take heart! I have overcome the world." We WILL have struggles, trials, pains, heartaches. Troubles. But He has overcome the world. And I have faith that no matter what, everything will be okay. He created us, He takes care of us, and He lets us live a life of freedom and joy. For those who know Him and love Him, we know that He will get us through whatever comes our way. But sometimes, when life gives us surprises, we are so shocked, it is hard to think, and we start listing off the what ifs.

Please pray for my beautiful wife, and the battle she has been placed in. I am daily putting on my armor and standing in the gap for my wife. Satan would like to do nothing more than cause us more pain, make us lose heart. Not on my watch.

We may not know why; we may not know when; we may not know what's going on; we may not know where; we may not even know how. But regardless - we know WHO, and He has overcome. Therefore, through Him, so can we.

And remember: Gray matters

~ David ~

Chore Charts and Behavior Charts

So, as I mentioned, I am overwhelmed. I feel like I am on my own with my kids all. of. the. time. AND since they are adjusting to a new normal around our house they have been VERY difficult. Really, I think some days they are spending time plotting ways to make ME crazy.

Then I was given the chance to review http://www.goalforit.com/ ! Yeah! I was needing SOME help, ANY help. *sigh* Well, I went over to the site and looked around. We have been using it for several weeks now and the Chore Charts have been great! I have just printed them out and taped them up in the kitchen so that I can draw a star on the chart as soon as the chore has been completed. I was not crazy about going upstairs to the office to check off things on the computer. If our laptop was cooperating it would have been great to do it online in the kitchen. Anyway, James has started putting on his own pajamas just so he can get a star. Kirstyn will now brush her teeth twice per day just to "accomplish" something on her chart that doesn't really feel like a chore! The kids have also liked how their charts are just for them. James' is blue with race cars and Kirstyn's is pink (of course) with a rock star on it!

The behavior charts haven't been as immediately gratifying. We are still trying to find a way for these to work for our family. What do you do at your house? Right now I am really struggling with Kirstyn 'back-talking' me every single time I tell her to do something. And James, well he is struggling with controlling his body! He resorts to hitting far to often. Anyway, we are trying!

All in all, we have loved http://www.goalforit.com/ for getting the kids to doing their chores around the house! I just wish there was an iPhone app, then maybe the behavior ones would work better for us. I would be able to track and correct those issues visibly even when we are on the GO. Go check it out and let me know what you think and if it works for you! I think next I will do some goal setting of my own and track MY progress.

Changes

Well, hello Blog Land! It has been so long since I logged into my blog, I was actually shocked that I remembered my password. Much has been going on at our house and well, life has just gotten in the way of my blogging.... and my reader, well, lets just say that I am terrified to even see how far behind I am. I am sure there will be a "mark all as read" day in my near future!

Some changes:
David resigned from his job as an insurance agent and we sold our business to his mom.
I went to work part time for my Mother In Law
Kirstyn started 1st grade!
Things got VERY stressful when David could not find a job and was unemployed for 7 months!
The Gold's Gym I was working out in and teaching Body Pump at, closed with NO notice (and still owes me payroll that I never expect to see).
I found a Body Pump class to teach at the Downtown Fort Worth YMCA.
I've gained 15 lbs and have to get myself under control ASAP.
I MISS my gym "family".
David found a job that he LOVES.
He works 11 and 12 hour days, when you add in commute, there are days that he doesn't even see the kids.
I'm overwhelmed more often than not, so if you pray.... please think of me.

OutLast, 4 Kids and a Roadtrip!

It's a germy, germy world out there and unfortunately, life doesn't take place in a bubble! Our families come into contact with literally millions of germs every day. Just think about all the things you touch daily like your cell phone, computer keyboard, shopping cart and even your own purse! (moment of silence to try to figure out how to get rid of that scary mental image!)And not to mention my kids and the germs they seek out to bring into contact with me!

Today we really tested out the OutLast with a road trip with my sister, her two kids (ages 2 and 1 month), and my husband and our two kids (ages 6 and 3)! With stops at gas stations and getting in and out of the car and then finally arriving at the farm I was thrilled to have a bottle of OutLast in my purse and one in my sister's purse. Just look at how happy these kids are now that we have arrived at the farm. And trust me there is nothing on their faces that says they have time to stop and wash their hands! At least we have them all doused with the OutLast long lasting hand sanitizer.

MomSelect has partnered with OutLast™ Long-Lasting Hand Sanitizer to remind families about the importance of hand hygiene. Unlike leading hand sanitizers that work for only two minutes, OutLast™ Hand Sanitizer kills germs on contact and can control germs for up to 6 hours. OutLast™ Hand Sanitizer works longer because of its unique patented formula that was originally developed for hospital use. Now, that's exciting news to share with any mom! You can learn more about it by visiting www.outlastgerms.com/moms Outlast is now available at select Albertsons grocery stores throughout Texas and Louisiana.

Webkinz Jr.

Thanks to MomSelect and Webkinz Jr. I got to host a playgroup at my house that included goodies to give away to my friend's kids! We already love Webkinz at our house so I was anxious to see if WebkinzJr would live up to the name. They do!!!

James was over the top excited to help me stuff the goodie bags! Each one had a Webkinz Jr stuffed animal with a code to activate on the website to make their animal come alive. There was also a CD with some fun kids songs and a coloring book to put in the great reusable shopping bags.

James picked out his puppy and then anxiously awaited the arrival of his friends so that they could pick out there animals! James' buddy, Nate, also picked out the puppy. Then sweet Allie picked out the pink elephant. Jackson got the grey cat and both Christian and Chance loved the giraffe. A few of our friends weren't able to make it but they will be getting their sweet Webkinz Jr plushes. We had a great time playing with our animals and coloring in our coloring books.

James was so excited about naming and activating online his Webkinz Jr. See, he has watched big sister play with her Webkinz and he understood the fun that was in store! I was so excited to find how easy it was for him to navigate the website on his own. He is loving logging in each day to find out what the letter and number of the day are! Then he loves the games in the museum where he can work a dinosaur puzzle "all by himself".

James LOVES his WebkinzJr that he lovingly named Puppy Norley after himself. He has not let him out of his site in a week! And he begs to log on each day to check on his "website". I love that it has turned out to be a great tool for bribing my kid learning!

Do you love Webkinz at your house? If you have a child between the age of 3 and 6 then I highly recommend that you try WebkinzJr!

*Disclaimer: NO MONEY was given to me, just the goodies to pass out to my friends. My opinion is my own.