27 February 2013


Well, I have to say that timing is everything and with God it is Perfect.  At church our pastor has been preaching a series on Fear.  I've learned that there are two kinds of fear.  One kind of fear is described as Awe or Reverence.  The other kind of fear is one of apprehension, doubt, and dread.    During this study the verse Isaiah 41:10 has been used several times.  "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  I just keep thinking that I need to design a shirt to wear to the gym that says something like 'My God Lifts Weights' and reference that verse and put a barbell on there too.  Anyone else want one too if I design it and get my awesome friend at TheShirtPrinter to make it real?!?!

Anyway, yesterday was my Baseline MRI that I talked about in my last blog.  This morning we went to visit with my oncologist about all the details of "what's next".  I would be lying if I told you that I wasn't anxious about the results of the scan and about the unknown.  No matter the results or my oncologist's planning, the bottom line really is that I have to learn to trust the unknown to a known God.

Yesterday, right after my scan a friend sent me a text with her devotional from 'Jesus Calling' by Sarah Young and it was perfect for me to hear!
I am leading you, step by step, through your life.  Hold My hand in trusting dependence, letting Me guide you through this day.  Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy -- even precarious.  That is how it should be.  Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things.  When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine.  This, like all forms of worry, is an act of rebellion:  doubting My promises to care for you. 
Whenever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to Me.  I will show you the next step forward and the one after that, and the one after that.  Relax and enjoy the journey in My Presence, trusting Me to open up the way before you as you go.
So, the question I am having to learn to ask myself daily is will I choose one of the natural responses of fight, flight, or freeze OR will I choose a Supernatural response based on Faith?  Honestly, I think the answer is all of the above.  I have been fighting with everything I have since my diagnosis.  They put chemo wafers in my brain during my surgery in June 2011, I then accepted the challenge of 6 weeks straight of chemo and radiation.  Then, 3 weeks later I agreed to a new chemo regimen where we quadrupled my chemo dose and I have taken that dose 5 days every 28 days for the past 18 months! 

Simply, based on today's oncologist visit.  My tumor is under control for now and has even shrunk some since the start of chemo 18 months ago.  Now the biggest challenge I am faced with is the eliminating of all of the drugs that I take regularly that are no longer a necessity now that I don't have to be on chemo. My favorite news is that I don't have to make weekly blood work appointments anymore.  So, bye bye to all of my nausea drugs, sleep aids, and pain medications.  The chemo that I have been taking basically since June 2011 listed the following as the first four major side effects:  nausea, back pain, weight gain, and sleeplessness.  Trust me when I say that there is a reason why many people have to attend an inpatient rehab facility to come off of some of these drugs!  I have been cutting back the past few months very slowly and I have still had some crazy dreams, night sweats, and major mood swings.  This will not be easy but I know how to cut back slowly and I have a detailed plan.  I will continue to take the massive doses of seizure medication (probably for the rest of my life).  That one causes drowsiness so I won't be giving up my coffee or spark any time soon!!!

I really want to drop some of this weight that I gained while in the hospital and at the beginning of this cancer mess when I was having to take massive doses of steroids.  Getting off of many of these drugs will help that process but I really do need some sleep...good sleep in order to make this weening process easier on my body and my mind!

Now, I really have to let go of this fight.  I'm such a planner and in spite of how incredibly hard all of this has been on me physically and mentally, I can honestly say that my faith has matured.  I would be lying if I said that fear is not a factor since now that my 'fight cancer' plan is more of a 'wait and see' what happens next with the tumor waiting game while continuing normal day to day activity in our home.  Nothing for me to power through except my own thoughts and even then I need to turn that conversation with myself into a conversation with Him.  Please be praying that I will continue to choose faith in spite of my natural responses!  "... we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope."  Rom 5:3-4