24 December 2015

Use Me

Not "Why me?" but "Use Me?"  Through the many tears I have shed in the past few months my prayer has been for God to use me so that this pain that we are in isn't for nothing.  I feel like I asked my fair share of "Why me?" when I was diagnosed with cancer.  The truth is that just by asking that question it reveals the selfishness that remains in me.  Why not me?  Why am I not constantly just praying even pleading with God to use me in spite of me?  So, this Christmas season will you join me in asking HIM to "Use us?"

So, right now our circumstances are hard.  We lost both of our Dads in just two months.  I feel like I haven't even started to mourn my Dad's death and now we are faced with David's Dad passing away.  I wish I knew why.  I would love to know now how God will use this.  Meanwhile I am selfishly praying that God is not preparing my family for worse, but will give us opportunities to minister more effectively in our community and world.

As I try to look back over our 2015 I see so many joys and blessings, but I am still focused on the losses and the hurts. We took our kids to 3 funerals for 3 great men that we all miss.  My sister's father in law that my kids also called Papa (he loved so big he made my kids think they were kin to him too!), My Daddy 10/14 (Pappy) and David's Dad 12/14 (Grandpa).  I am forcing myself to reflect on the good so I can make sure to not miss how God worked in our lives this past year.  The kids are growing and learning and tackling new challenges on a regular basis.  They are excelling in school (6th and 2nd now!) and devouring books like crazy!  They are memorizing math facts and scriptures.  They are singing and playing sports with a focus on praise and sportsmanship.  They gave up birthday presents from their friends to collect for charity.  We made memories!  We laughed and cried.  We asked questions and are learning to trust His plan.  Psalm 105:4 says, "Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always."

We went to Disney World, Nasa, several 5K's, our first Relay for Life, the Beach (our 10th summer to vacation with my parents in Port A), and Six Flags.  James' flag football team took 2nd in the Arlington City Finals and Kirstyn won more blue ribbons than I can count for playing piano.  She sings every chance she gets and is in 2 choirs and on our church KidsRock praise team!  She even talked her music teacher into putting in extra work to enter the Macy's acapella challenge.  James is in advanced placement classes and constantly has us in awe of random facts that he has learned.  David has worked way too many hours and has been honored as his dealership's "Hardest Charger".  I'm still fighting Brain Cancer (stable!), teaching Body Pump, and selling insurance.  I had the opportunity to share some of my cancer story for a video and a professional did my makeup!  I'm praying for more opportunities to speak and share my heart.  I am in BSF.  Last year we studied the life of Moses and this year we are in Revelation.  David and I are leading a young marrieds connection group at our church again this year... we are learning more than they are!

Labor Day weekend we took the kids to see the movie War Room and saw how Miss Clara had a prominent place in her home where she wrote down answered prayers.  She kept a constant reminder of how God really does hear us.  We came home and cleaned out our hall closet and made our very own War Room.  We challenged each other to stop giving God our status updates and start really praying with strategy.  It warms my heart to see the kids writing names of their friends on the whiteboard and checking off answered prayers.  We are constantly looking as a family to find a need to meet rather than a battle to fight.  As we enter 2016 with heavy hearts I am praying Psalm 4 over my family.

Answer me when I call to you,
    my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
    have mercy on me and hear my prayer.
How long will you people turn my glory into shame?
    How long will you love delusions and seek false gods?
Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself;
    the Lord hears when I call to him.
Tremble and do not sin;
    when you are on your beds,
    search your hearts and be silent.
Offer the sacrifices of the righteous
    and trust in the Lord.
Many, Lord, are asking, “Who will bring us prosperity?”
    Let the light of your face shine on us.
Fill my heart with joy
    when their grain and new wine abound.
In peace I will lie down and sleep,
    for you alone, Lord,
    make me dwell in safety.
 
Merry Christmas from our family to yours.  Praying you can find JOY in Him this season no matter your current circumstances!
 
*Photo credit to our waitress at Campo Verde in Arlington and our awesome shirts by my friend Eric over at www.TheShirtPrinter.com

I'm crossing my fingers and pushing publish.  It is hard to proofread through tears and my grammar and spell check guy is at work today (on Christmas Eve)... some people are getting a new Infiniti tied with a big red bow!

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26 October 2015

Hope and Rain

Growing up my dad frequently talked to us about the overuse of the word love and how that watered down the meaning of it when we said it.  Even more importantly how we should be careful who we believed when they said it to us (especially in those teen years!).  Several years later when my nephew was about 4, he and Dad walked into the McDonald's bathroom and my nephew declared, "I just love these kinds of toilets!"  He was referring to the line of urinals.  After that moment my Dad starting using that story as his example when someone else overused love or used it incorrectly.  David and I have worked hard to teach our kids that we love people and we like or enjoy things like brownies, burgers, visits to the beach, and even public urinals!  It's very important to us that one day when someone else tells one of our children that they love them, we want them to verify that its true and not just something they are saying because its easy and normalized.

A few weeks ago at BSF, the teaching leader talked about how we don't use the word hope the way God intended for it to be used.  We shouldn't hope to win the lottery or hope it doesn't rain.  Biblical hope is NOT wishful thinking, it is realistic, it realizes that we are broken in a broken world.  Hope is certain and unwavering based on His ability alone.  It is unshakeable when centered on His character and if I despair it is a clear symptom of my misplaced hope.  Hope in God and His promises should propel and sustain me.  My toes were stomped on or like our pastor says, I think she was a little too much like Mr. Rogers and all up in my neighborhood.  It was time for David and I to evaluate our use of the word HOPE.

Do you see an endless Hope or a hopeless future?  (Just let that sit with you a moment.  I think your thoughts or worries of the right now will give you the answer.  Know that faith doesn't erase doubt, insecurity, confusion, or hurt... it will overcome them.) 

My endless hope is found in Jesus Christ and I hope the way I live shows that in my day to day.  I have to give myself the permission to trust God to use me as I hope in the eternal future He has promised me.  God knows.  I got this card in the mail a month or so ago when I had hurt my back and had another blown blood vessel in my eye and I was struggling in my day to day.  I took a picture of it so I could use it when I wrote my next post... I wasn't sure what that needed to look like yet.  I put quite a lot of prayer into these posts.  I also had no idea how much the saying would mean to me now since we lost my Dad.

When we were planning my Dad's memorial service we knew that we wanted it to be evangelical.  We wanted everyone that attended to know the same Jesus that we know and follow that gives us hope in these very grim days.  The pastor said, "Well, I keep a message of hope prepared that I would like to share since I've talked with your Dad and know that he had his hope for a future rested in his relationship with Jesus."  That's exactly what we wanted.  1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 The Message (MSG) says, "And regarding the question, friends, that has come up about what happens to those already dead and buried, we don’t want you in the dark any longer. First off, you must not carry on over them like people who have nothing to look forward to, as if the grave were the last word. Since Jesus died and broke loose from the grave, God will most certainly bring back to life those who died in Jesus."  So we have a hope that promises that we will see my Dad again in heaven.  We can grieve.  As a matter of fact, we wouldn't grieve his going on to heaven before us if we didn't love him so deeply and miss him so very much.  Grief isn't wrong, its normal and natural and it hurts!  Give thanks IN all circumstances, not FOR all circumstances is what we are taught later in 1 Thess. 5:18.

I'm trying not to be ashamed of my sheer exhaustion and my endless tears.  I need to see it as an opportunity for Him to take charge and give me real rest and peace.  I'm trying to follow the instruction in Psalm 42:11 to "put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God."   If you are praying for me will you please pray Romans 15:13 that says, "May the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Kirstyn sang this song by MercyMe at camp this summer and then decided on the way to Arkansas that she wanted to sing it at her Pappy's memorial service.  When she started crying and couldn't get the second verse out, our sweet James (that never sings!) sang every word from the front pew at the top of his lungs until she collected herself and finished the song.  We are so proud of the young woman she is as she matures in her relationship with Christ.  So we will continue to pray... Jesus, Bring the Rain!

Here is the link to Kirstyn singing this summer!

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14 September 2015

Blizzard

I was recently challenged to look at my life and I hope that you will take a quick look at yours.

In his book A Hidden Wholeness, Parker Palmer relates a story about farmers in the Midwest who would prepare for blizzards by tying a rope from the back door of their house to the barn as a guide to ensure they could return safely home.  These blizzards came quickly and fiercely and were highly dangerous.  When their full force was blowing, a farmer could not see the end of his hand.  Many froze to death in those blizzards, disoriented by their inability to see.  They wandered in circles, lost sometimes in their own backyards.  If they lost their grip on the rope, it became impossible for them to find their way home.  Some froze within feet of their own back door, never realizing how close they were to safety.

I don't know about you, but many days my life feels like a blizzard and on other days, the sun is out.  Sometimes I just stay in the house refusing to face the storm or deal with the cold.  Other days I step out a few steps and go right back into the house because I don't trust the rope that I have in my hand to make sure I can get back safely.  There is probably a really fun party taking place out in the barn, but I'm just too cautious to even risk getting over there.  It really is too bad that I can't control the blizzards that hit my life. 

When I studied the life of Moses last year, I learned that each day when I wake up I have a simple choice to make: 
Will I choose to be like Moses and follow God?
Will I choose to be like Pharaoh and try to be God?
Will I choose to be like the people of Israel and focus primarily on my circumstances?

The challenge I was presented with is this:  What threads join together to make up the rope that will guide me back home when an unexpected blizzard hits?  I think its obvious what the answer should be... fantastic family, close friends, my faith, time in scripture, prayer and praises... but do I have all that?  I think the answer is yes, I have those people and times in place.  BUT I don't think they would know when the storm actually hits!  In this last four years, I have started to perfect the art of appearances.  I can make it look like all is well, even to the people that live with me!  If I decide to unleash the storm in my head would it make the people around me anxious, worried, or just stressed.  Where is the good in that?  Would I prevent everyone else from being productive... even if it is just for a moment.  In reading this story and being asked this question, I found myself thinking... do I even have a rope?  Do I even need a rope?  If I have a rope, will it even hold me if I fall down? (Everyone with extra weight worries if the rope will really hold? right?!?! #PlumpProb )  If the storm gets worse, do I even care if I freeze right on the back porch?  OR maybe I'm trying to be optimistic like everyone says I should... It'll get better, I will be fine.  I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud. I'm trying to get to a place where I'm not scared to dream and be optimistic although deep inside I'm still basically a sarcastic pessimist!  



So my current challenge is this, hold on to the rope and make sure it is stronger before the storm knocks me off of my feet and tests its strength.  The biggest challenge, I can't strengthen the rope without being vulnerable!  In Matthew 18, Jesus says, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children"... no one is more vulnerable than a small child.  What am I really willing to do?  You?

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01 June 2015

Bucket List

In the young adult cancer community I've heard the term "Bucket List" many many times.  Even on the first season of the show Chasing Life one of the characters (Leo with Brain Cancer) acts like the Robin Hood of last wishes for his friends in his cancer support group.  It is so emotional to watch these young adults experience their last wish.  The entire movie The Fault in Our Stars is a final bucket list wish being granted. Granting wishes looks like so much fun, but on this side of my diagnosis wishes can be very intimidating!

Bucket List is defined as a number of experiences or achievements that a person hopes to have or accomplish during their lifetime.  It comes from the term "kick the bucket".  So do I have a bucket list?  NO.  Did I think for a while that I should make one?  Absolutely.  Making one feels so.... so final.  I like the idea of dreaming and I honestly need to be encouraged to dream and escape my day to day stressful details.  Yet at the same time I can't stand the thought of leaving this earth with an unfinished list for my family and friends to see.  I don't plan to have regrets when I die so I also don't want anyone looking at a list wishing they had help me do something or visit somewhere.   So for now I will just try to dream and accomplish those dreams one tiny plan at a time.  I want to continue to realize my destiny knowing that everything God does for me, to me, and through me will help me determine what that looks like.


While I'm on the subject, I'm looking back at the past 4 years.  Just 4 years ago was our last day as a family where cancer was not part of the story.  Tonight is the anniversary of the night that changed so much for us and helped us really take note of what's important.  I came very close to death and I didn't have a bucket list... if I had, I know that this list of adventures from the past 4 years should have been the bulk of it:
  1. See Kirstyn get baptized.
  2. See James ask Jesus to be his Lord and be baptized.
  3. Go to James' kindergarten graduation.
  4. Strengthen my marriage (I think we are ready for a lot less of the negative half of the marriage vows of worse, sickness, and poorer!).
  5. Go away for a weekend with David (We had not gone anywhere alone since our honeymoon in over 10 years of marriage except for one business trip and a couple of weddings if those count!!!  Actually I guess we still haven't but we are at least planning a getaway for our 15th.)
  6. Sponsor a child somewhere (We now have loved on 3 kids in Haiti).
  7. Go to Haiti and see how God is working there!
  8. Build a real sandcastle!  (Sandcastle building lessons are fun!)
  9. Be given a nickname... My week as Moonshine was amazing.
  10. Go kayaking!
  11. Make new friends (close ones!)
  12. Teach the kids to love GIVING as much as getting.
  13. Learn to Hula Hoop!
  14. Go to Disney World with my family.
  15. See kids learn to love reading.
  16. Watch Kirstyn find such joy in music (piano and singing).
  17. Get to know family!  (I have developed close friendships with family members that I am sure I had never spoken to or known before I got sick.)
  18. Start a business that we believe in!  (Ask us about Genesis Pure.)
  19. RELAX (translated: learn what's really important)
  20. Focus on the little moments and enjoy the day to day!

I look forward to our future and I hope to have many more years of adventures to report, but for this week I have school award ceremonies and parties to attend...

In case you are wondering David and I are trying to decide where we want to go in January for our 15th anniversary and how much money we can spend on that.  I personally want to go to CancerCon (Stupid Cancer's event) in Denver next spring and I want to figure out how to raise lots of money for First Descents so maybe just maybe I can go on another one of their adventure trips that also allows caregivers so David could get away too!  This year they offered a trip hiking in Iceland (WOW) so maybe one day.  While I'm dreaming we should probably take the kids to the Grand Canyon or the Smithsonian.

No matter what, I want to make sure I am living life in spite of this diagnosis! So since the month of May has come to a close.... please remember that Grey Matters year round!

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29 May 2015

Why Blog?

Why am I blogging?  That is a question that I've asked myself more times than I care to admit.

In all honesty, I started this blog for the sole reason to share pictures of us with my grandmother.  She and my grandpa were traveling all of the time but she really wanted a way to see pictures more often than every 6 months so I set up this blog.  It was a way for me to post random stories and pictures (mostly of Miss Kirstyn) and my grandmother could walk into any public library and hand the librarian my URL and she could sit and scroll through pictures and feel connected to us from as far away as Alaska.

Later, I discovered this amazing community of mommy bloggers.  I could read their stories and I even made a few great friends that I've never actually met in person, but will one day hopefully sooner than later!  I finally didn't feel so alone in my day to day tasks and we were able to share stories of our lives and relate to one another.  (This was WAY before I even joined any social media sites like Facebook or even Myspace!)  We have even exchanged gifts and cards and sometimes they feel closer than the people I greet in passing almost daily!

Then, I made up my mind that I wanted to drop some of this weight that I have carried my entire life.  Once again I found a community of support and I was able to type feelings that I wasn't able to articulate in person.  I read others struggles and triumphs.  I found recipes and was encouraged to attempt exercise.  I shared my struggles with the scale and my victories in the gym.  I was even featured in the Dallas paper after an author had followed my progress.

And just when I was coming to what I thought was then end of my weight loss saga, I had a seizure in my sleep and a week later learned that I had ...dun dun dun... CANCER.  Not just any cancer, brain cancer... one of the most deadly cancers that most people know nothing about and many seem scared to ask.  I have shared some of my raw emotions and we have been as open as we know how with this path that we were thrown on to walk.  (pssst... and you have probably watched me gain back close to 50 of the 100 pounds I lost.  Steroids, cancer emotions, church people food, exhaustion, and crazy hormones are mean to the body!)  My self esteem has been on a roller coaster that I don't remember volunteering to board!  Today, the kind older man tuning our piano asked about the family in a photo on my wall... I was taken back when I realized he was asking about a picture of me with David and Kirstyn.  I have been really hard on myself lately about my weight and his innocent comment made me realize how far I've come... physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Still, it doesn't change the fact that I long to feel as good as I did exactly 4 years ago in that picture on the right.  There was 50 pounds less of me, but I was so na├»ve to all life could teach me in just a few so very short years.  And that girl on the left holding that happy little girl 11 years ago...  I'm not sure I even recognize her.

It makes me laugh that I named this blog Normal to Natalie long before I knew what my real platform even looked like... I guess I'm still not sure.  I do know one thing.  I want to update my website to be more than just a blog (I'm probably going to need to hire help!  Suggestions?).  I want you to get to know me better.  Meet the me that sells insurance and that has continued to educate myself and change my family's eating habits.  The me that did endless hours of research and decided we would use Genesis Pure to deliver so many essentials to our door every month.  It's easy, I trust them, and I dread shopping... oh and their products keep me going at a pace that helps me keep up with my crazy family.  And my kids, they are the best and in so many ways have been forced to mature and learn some really hard lessons.  I need/want/have been asked to share more about that and how we are all working through our day to day "extras" together.  (A blog about our commission system is in the works... promise!)

I at one time described myself as a busy wife and mom on a mission to get healthy inside and out through clean eating, Bible study, and exercise.  That's still very true and I hope you will join me as I continue to take this journey called life and share it as openly and honestly as I know how with you on this blog.  Maybe one day my platform will grow and I will be invited to speak and share my heart with a group that needs to hear from me.

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01 May 2015

Moses and May

Did you know that the entire book of Deuteronomy was likely recorded during the last 37 days of Moses' life.  So, Moses was able to share so much wisdom and knowledge and blessings with the people he had been mentoring and leading in 37 days yet here I sit with a journal for Kirstyn that I have been working on for 18 months.  The journal is even designed to be completed in just one year, but hers is only about half finished and James' isn't even started.  Maybe I should be thankful that I don't have that same sense of urgency that Moses had or maybe I need to spend more time on the mountain learning from God before I try to share my thoughts.  Either way, I pray that they are learning that when faced with adversity and challenges we didn't expect that we will not run in fear but face them but only after seeking wisdom through prayer knowing that "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you".

The book of Deuteronomy ends with Moses praising God as he blessed the people and God praised Moses. Wow, what a legacy he left that we are still studying today.  I want to be remembered as someone who praised my God and I desperately want my people (Kirstyn and James) to be blessed.  I'm praying for all of us to have unshakable faith in the most unstable circumstances!

May is Brain Cancer Awareness month.  In May of 2011 we were seeing subtle symptoms that something was wrong but we had no idea what was about to happen and change everything for us.  Even looking back, the symptoms were never something that pointed to a brain tumor.  Actually, I've met many people that were just in their day to day when a first seizure changed everything.  Many weren't even having headaches.... me included!  I recently installed the timehop app and have been looking back on my facebook memories from that year leading up to my first seizure.  I wasn't sleeping well, I was stressed, I was frustrated, and nothing I said reflected that I was seeking God first.  I was just trying to survive in the day to day.  Honestly, I don't remember much and after looking back and after these 4 years of conversations, David and I have concluded that at least 2 years of my memories were taken.  I have rebuilt some with pictures and social media history and listening to stories, but there are still gaps.  I've stopped crying when I realize I've just spent an hour watching a movie that I've already seen and something triggered the memory so now I know the ending.

Next week on May 5th, I have a brain MRI and oncologist visit.  We will learn if this monster in my head is remaining stable.  Then, I 'get' to face my newest challenge (why isn't there a sarcasm font?!?!).  I found a "mass" in my right shoulder a few weeks ago.  Since then, I have seen a couple of doctors and had an MRI on my shoulder.  (I swear I'm going to stick to my refrigerator at some point!!!)  My oncologist then scheduled me an appointment with an orthopedic specialist so I see him next Tuesday too and find out what's next for my shoulder.  I'm doing my best to give my fears to God but that hasn't been easy...  I'm praying for a simple and fast solution to the pain in my shoulder and arm that is being caused by this cyst.  Cinco de Mayo for us will be a long day of doctors and evaluations for me and we desperately need your prayers.

This month I want to raise awareness.  I want to accomplish something new.  I want to give thanks for all of the opportunities that even my struggles bring.  I want to see my faith overcome my fears.  I don't want to be what's happened to me, I want my hope to be contagious!  Help me show that the grey ribbon is important too!  You can buy this year's shirt and you can post on social media using the hashtags #normal2natalie and #greymatters










Because MyGreyMatters!
Deut 31:6
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18 February 2015

Influence

Don't get so caught up in manufactured drama that you forget to enjoy actual reality.  If you don't control your media then the media will control you.  Thoughts like this are running around in my head right now. 

David and I are taking a Re-Think Parenting class at church where we are hearing staggering statistics like the porn industry made 96 billion dollars last year while the NFL made a mere 9 billion.  In addition to that if you watch close you will see that every tv show, book, and movie has some kind of agenda.  Sometimes the agenda is hidden and sometimes it is more than obvious.  Is this going to be a lecture.... NO.  I just started thinking about the influence that things like books and movies have had on me and my character.  We are also thinking about what we are allowing into our home to influence our children.

So like every good researcher (ha!), I turned to Facebook where I asked my friends the following question:  What movie would you say had an influence on you (good or bad) as a child, teen, or adult?  In many cases the same movie was named several times.  Saving Private Ryan, The Shawshank Redemption, or The Sound of Music... anyone?

Then last night ABC aired a special countdown to the Oscars show called "15 Movies that Changed American Cinema"  We enjoyed the way they organized the movies by their impact on the big screen and our culture.  How many have you seen?
 
Here is our summary version of the countdown:
15.  Toy Story (computer animation)
14.  16 Candles (teens playing teens)
13.  A Hard Day's Night (music video/Beatles)
12.  Jaws (musical score/scary/changed the movie calendar)
11.  Lilies Of The Field (Sidney Poitier/black actors)
10.  Godfather part 2 (sequels)
9.  I'm No Angel (Mae West/sex symbols/woman in charge of sex life)
8.  Easy Rider (indie films/Jack Nicholson/movie for a generation/rock n roll/drugs/challenged movie studios)
7.  Birth Of A Nation (first full feature length blockbuster/showed at White House/first film to make us feel things that were wrong)
6.  A Streetcar Named Desire (Marlon Brando/leading man/method acting/emotions while acting/first to win 3 out of 4 acting oscars)
5.  2001: A Space Odyssey (birth of a sci-Fi genre)
4.  Psycho (violence to a shocking new level/scary/reinvented horror/first toilet flush in a movie)
3.  Snow White And the Seven Dwarfs (started the animation craze/hundreds of artists and animators/changed view of animation)
2.  Gone With The Wind (epic love story/everything was big/changed how we view of romance in movies/won 10 academy awards/first black woman to win an Oscar)
1.  Star Wars (original stretch of the imagination/great characters/influence/1st movie to extend the movie experience beyond the theater/merchandise)

I have movies that helped shape me and my opinions in several stages of life.  Yes, cinema has shaped not only my culture, but some of MY thinking.

Old Yeller and Where the Red Fern Grows both taught me about loyalty and love even when it comes to a pet.

Lion King showed me another angle of the love and redemption story offered in the Bible by Jesus.

The Goonies made me want to go on adventures... even dangerous ones.

The Cowboys with John Wayne taught me about death.  I remember crying and crying when he died just like he was a member of my family.  This quote from the movie speaks volumes, "Death can come for ya any place, any time. It's never welcomed. But if you've done all you can do, and it's your best, in a way I guess you're ready for it."  I also remember how mad my mom was at my dad for letting us watch that movie as she had to watch us morn John Wayne for days!

Steel Magnolias taught me about the importance of friendship!  Everyone needs someone like Clairee that will say, "I love ya more than my luggage!"

Saving Private Ryan, Schindler's List, The Help, The Butler, Braveheart, The Last of the Mohicans, and The Passion of the Christ all taught me things about history that I had read all about, but seeing it on the screen personalized it even more.  There are so many different profound lessons and emotions in all those movies.

Now that I've been forced into this world of cancer and raising young kids at the same time I have found myself more careful about the stories we watch on the big screen.  Until you are living with cancer or watching a loved one walk that, I think we miss some of those loud messages.  Sometimes the mom dying of cancer theme shows up in places you weren't expecting it.  For example, I was shocked when it was in Rise of the Guardians.  I mean I was expecting an action movie!  I blogged before about the movie God's Not Dead and its cancer story.  Read that one here!

Movies also trigger conversation that we need to have but haven't been able to articulate.  The timing of our family watching We Bought a Zoo was perfect.  Our emotions were all very raw but at the same time I needed a way to talk to Kirstyn about what she was feeling and how she was acting.  She was really struggling with walking a fine line of fear and anger while dealing with my grim diagnosis.  That movie and the boy's attitude toward his dad after loosing his mom helped us both be able to better articulate what she was feeling and correct how she was acting toward me.  It was emotional and raw around here, but after we worked trough much of that together and while clinging to each other and scripture we were able to watch it again and enjoy it a little more.


Then later, David and I rented Safe Haven.  We knew it was a movie that was designed to bring emotion out but we thought it was more about abuse.  When that movie ended I spent hours on the kitchen floor sobbing so hard I could barely breath.  It was a long time before he gathered himself so that he could sit in the floor with me and hold me tight.  I own that movie now and have re-watched it once....  I will again.  It motivates me to journal and write to the kids.

So, I'll ask again... Are you controlling your media?  More importantly what do you filter your media against?  For me, I want to make sure that what I am seeing and feeling is filtered against the Promises that God has made me in His Word.  Like they kept saying that the IF: Gathering I attended.  Even if I feel like a grasshopper facing giants, I want to be willing to step forward in faith knowing I am ultimately SAFE in Him.  What changes Fear to Faith is the position of God in my life.  In Numbers 13 and 14, Joshua and Caleb were saying the same thing as Benjamin in We Bought a Zoo, "insane courage will lead to something great"!  I want to continue to have faith bigger than my fears...  Sometimes God even uses movies to teach me.

I know this blog was all over the place but I want to hear from you too.  Tell me what movies have influenced you.... I might need to add it to my watch list!

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