If this blog is the only way you are following our family, my cancer story, and getting prayer requests, then I'm sorry that I am not updating. I value your prayers and comments but you should probably send me a friend request on Facebook. I have had so much that I wanted to sit down and post but other things take priority and then it always seems outdated to go back and post it. For example, at this point I can guarantee that I won't be posting a 2013 year in review Christmas letter. Maybe I should start on this years in order to finish it by December! *This post is about as raw and real as I get. I will probably sleep great tonight now that I've shared so please don't let this cause you to miss getting your rest! Thank you for your prayers and for allowing God to use you in my life when I needed you most.
If you are taking the time to read this, then I want to ask you, "Will you keep watch with me?"
Each time I read the story of Jesus' death and resurrection, He teaches me something new. This year so much has touched me, but the main theme beyond His sacrifice and defeat of death has been the people in Jesus' life. His family and friends that had to deal with his death. I know they wanted more time with him on earth. When Jesus knew His death was approaching, He went to spend time alone in prayer, but first he said to his closest friends, "Sit here while I go over there and pray. My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me." (Matthew 26:36-38)
Overall I have been well, but this week has been hard. This time last week a blood vessel burst in my right eye. My brain tumor is on the right side so my imagination is amazing when it comes to all the horrible things that could be going on inside my skull. Also, this burst blood vessel is like having an eyelash stuck in your eye for a solid week. Reading, writing, driving, watching tv, and even rolling my eyes seems more difficult than it should be and when all that is put together into a regular day I am exhausted just trying to be normal. Don't forget that my imagination is still working overtime so even with much prayer I have not had enough rest. I am exhausted. I know that none of life is easy and I try to be hesitant to complain or even post prayer requests (just trust me that I do filter LOTS), because I can simply look around me and am reminded that I should just be grateful. I can take the time and pray for children dealing with the same cancer as me and that puts everything back into perspective. Keep watch with me.
As I consider worst case scenarios, it makes me be more productive when it comes to the journals I am working on for Kirstyn and James, but at the same time some very real loneliness is amplified in my life. I have lots of days that I want to share my fears, but don't want to burden anyone. I have lots of friends, but no one really close. (Maybe some of the close friendships I see around me aren't any closer than people are to me, but just appear that way?) I know that is mostly my fault, but sometimes I long for someone close that just gets me. I have noticed that as I need people, God just puts them into my life for the first time or back into my life after years apart in different seasons of life. I can go back and list a need and see the person God put there to meet that need. Even last week when I mentioned being worried the tumor caused this blood vessel in my eye to a friend, she mentioned to me that she has the same fears creep up when she gets a headache. She even said when she mentions it to others they just don't get it and she's assured she is overreacting. Again, it seemed silly how alone I had been feeling because I'm not alone in those fears and God put her there for me to hear that. She was just in time to keep watch with me.
I follow several brain cancer research sites and I read a statistic a few weeks ago that I have read before, but it hit me harder (everything is louder when I'm exhausted... I know): Only 30% of people diagnosed with brain cancer live more than 5 years past diagnosis. I am almost to 3 years. Basic math tells me that the odds are not in my favor. A 70% chance that I have less than 800 days to teach my babies and love my family. Yes, I really do think like this (I used to like statistics!!!), but I don't dwell on it... I have laundry to do, dinner to cook, kids to taxi, and even a blog to write (ha!). When I mention things like this, the people around me usually reassure me and we move on... I guess sometimes I just wish someone would panic with me. It isn't always easy to just be reassured and move on with day to day things. In the Bible studies I have been doing, I have been reminded that my eternal life started the day that I asked Jesus to be my Lord and I should live like that. Psalm 118:17 says, "I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done." Keep watch with me.
I went to the movies this week with another good friend of mine and we saw 'God's Not Dead'. We thought it would be a good faith building "break" from our day to day stresses. (We were wrong... God has a sense of humor.) If you haven't seen it yet, you should go. There were many people in the movie dealing with difficult relationships, aging parents, and even cancer, but my biggest and most real fear was the main character of the movie. The man that wanted to push his belief that there was no God was raised in a Christian home but had become that person because of what he had experienced as a child. He had watched his mother die from cancer when he was only 12. He refused to believe that even with all of his prayers of pleas for her life that a good God could ignore him and kill her with such an awful cancer death. I found myself wondering, if his mom believed so strongly in God and her son knew that, then where were her friends after she died to tell those faith stories to her doubting and angry son. I wonder who will pull my babies out of that pit of bitterness and hate if they fall in when they have to watch this brain cancer kill me. Keep watch with me.
When I am lonely, I know this: Jesus was far lonelier than I will ever be and endured it so that we could know Him. In Matthew 26:36-38, Jesus reached out to his closest friends to keep watch and pray for him but they too were tired. They were also confused and probably didn't understand just how little time they had left with him... I like that he wasn't aggressive or needy or dramatic. Jesus just simply said to his closest friends, "Stay here and keep watch with me."