As I lay hear tonight, I think back on the last couple of months. I can not believe it has been 2 months now since Natalie's scary night that started us on this new journey. I have been reminded of those who have fought this battle before us, and with us. Some not here anymore, some fighting for their lives, and some who have overcome. I haven't truly dealt with all that has gone on. I mean, between my job, helping as much as I can with kids and around the house, I haven't really had time to truly ponder. But as I piece together the last two months, I am reminded of God's love, God's provision, but above all God's sovereignty. He is all powerful, all knowing, and is everywhere. As humans, we have very finite brains. We can never fully grasp every bit of info about God. But I have faith that I know who He is, and that He exists.
I read some of the Book of Job tonight, and look at what happened to him, and his response to God is amazing. He gets mad, angry and upset at what God allows to happen. And, his life got real bad, and those closest to him didn't seem to care that much about him. But ultimately, he remained faithful. Wow! I have struggled with remaining faithful, I will be honest. I struggle with the question of "why!?".
Why would You allow this to happen?
And I may never truly know...but given my past, I should not even be here. My biological mother, whom I don't know, could have very easily aborted me. As many accidents as I had, some severe, I could have not walked away from one. Story after story I could share of a time I should/could have passed on. But I didn't. God spared me for some purpose.
Which is my conclusion with the cancer Natalie is fighting right now. Obviously, she could have not survived the seizures. It could be very malignant, with no time left. Numerous things...yet she is still here...by my side. God has a reason that she is still here. I am reminded of that verse in Hebrews that says "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.". Those who are fighting, have fought, are no longer here...they are our witnesses. And we need to run our race that is set before us with perseverance, diligence, and faithfulness - throwing aside my fears, doubts, anger, pride, lust - sin - and follow God. He has given us the guide markers (the Bible), and even a pacesetter (Jesus). Ultimately it is our decision whether we are going to follow the pacesetter, and the markers outlining the track, or do it on our own, going our own way.
As for me and my house...we will serve the Lord
I love my wife deeply, and pray for her daily. I feel like I fail her most days, as she gradually gets to feeling worse. I continue to try and love her the way God intended us to do, but not being here very much is hard. And I want her to know I love her with all my heart...Please continue to pray for me that I would daily have the strength to take care of my precious bride, and that she would continue pressing forward with Gods strength pushing her. That she would continue to rely on Him, and even with the drugs she is on, she would be able to keep her complete well-being.
~ David ~